As I made my way home this fine spring day, I noticed something different amidst the Ja Rule, DMX and Ja Rule being blasted from Comstock Avenue houses.

Within the melee of shirts, T-shirts and quarts of Old English, I caught a glimpse of a black beret. Curious, I stopped in my tracks to take a better look. As I cautiously made my way up the steps of the undisclosed off-campus location, I discovered a group of co-eds planted on their porch soaking up the much missed sun. Sadly, the beret turned out to belong to a nubile giggling blonde in a halter top sitting on the lap of a tall middle-aged man in a green military uniform with glasses.

Now, many of you normal students here at Syracuse University would have dismissed this as general raballe-rousing, but not I. No, I am a Fox News Channel Fan and with the keen deductive skills bestowed upon me by Shepard Smith and Bill O’Reilly, I immediately recognized the floozy’s sugardaddy as none other than currently missing-in-action Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf.

Being the crack reporter I am, I screamed like a Gerry McNamara groupie before reaching for my Donald Rumsfeld speed-dial. When I came to after passing out, I struck a deal to keep al-Sahaf’s location a secret in exchange for this interview.

Young: So how did you get here from Baghdad?

M.S.S: What do you mean? I am in Baghdad right now, torturing the infidel and playing strip bingo with Uday.

Young: C’mon buddy, you can drop the act now. The Ba’ath regime has fallen.

M.S.S: No you buddy come on! You must be watching too much Al-Jazeera-produced western lies. BINGO! Uday you know what that means!

Young: There is no one named Uday here. So you are telling me you are not in Syracuse, New York?

M.S.S: Are you telling me that you are not in Syracuse, New York?

Young: Now you are just repeating me.

M.S.S: Now YOU are just repeating ME.

Young: Alright if it is a sensitive subject then we’ll move on. What is your favorite hobby?

M.S.S: Commanding the mightiest army in the world to victory against the spineless cowards of the United States.

Young: Second favorite?

M.S.S: Strip Bingo with Qusay.

Young: Lately, you have been the butt of many late-night talk show jokes, have you seen them?

M.S.S: Of course, no Iraqi official goes without a TiVo.

Young: And what do you think?

M.S.S: The Fedayeen Saddam has stormed the compounds of Jay Leno, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien. Soon they will taste the mighty wrath of our great leader.

Young: What about Craig Kilborn?

M.S.S: Kilborn is glib yet likable. Allah, through Saddam of course, smiles on Craigers.

Young: Okay, I think that is about everything that anyone could possibly want to ask you. So, um, is there anything you want to ask me?

M.S.S: Yes, after we slaughter your pathetic army and move into your infidelic cradle of cowards and spineless worms, would you prefer to die after having your nails pulled out or being shot repeatedly in the legs?

Young: Um (long pause), I guess the nai…

M.S.S: Man I had you going! Wait until Uday hears about how scared your white ass was! Shiiiiiiiiit.

Justin Young is a sophomore newspaper major. E-mail him at JRYOUN02@syr.edu.

Published on April 14, 2003 at 12:00 pm