Sometimes it’s cool to type 170 words per minute. Hopeful computer nerds train for years to master such a skill. Some engineering students even say it’s a turn-on. But for the average instant messenger, it’s challenging, strenuous and kind of creepy.

So rather than re-learn the home keys, net junkies have created a long list of clever code to speed up your conversation. This hip cyber-lingo can compress almost any complex action or emotion to a short, concise series of capital letters, semicolons and parentheses.

But don’t limit yourself to the typical, easily understandable acronyms. The instant message is a place where you should innovate the language and explore your inner self. Try these simple alternatives to the everyday Web jargon – they’re sure to spice up your next insipid online encounter.

BRB

Real meaning: Be right back

It’s impolite to leave your friends hanging when you’re briefly out of the room, and sometimes an away message just won’t do. But rather than giving unnecessary details, like ‘be right back, shaving,’ turn up the heat with some abbreviated vulgarity. Dropping a BRFB shows you mean business – and assures them you won’t be gone for long.

LOL

Real meaning: Laughing out loud

When you can’t express your amusement in typed words, this versatile acronym always saves the day. But if a joke flops, don’t waste LOL’s magic by pretending to laugh. Substitute the more appropriate FAC (fake, awkward chuckle) or simply break the news that your friend’s latest stab at humor fell disastrously short.

NM, U?

Real meaning: Not much, you?

This typical response to the obligatory ‘what’s up’ puts a major damper on any conversation. If nothing is happening in your life, why are you too busy to type the other seven letters? Take a moment to share a recent accomplishment, or admit you don’t want to talk by responding with a diplomatic IM2COOL4U.

GTG

Real meaning: Gotta go

This acronym and its many variations (G2G and G/G included) are old and tired, so don’t insult your friends with a lame farewell address. And don’t fall into the TTYL, CYA or ‘peace out’ traps – those are dried-up too. Come up with something clever, like IBUS (I’m blocking you, stalker!), or just tell the truth – that you’ll be back at the keyboard the second you get out of class.

Site of the Week: TheSpark

http://www.thespark.com

The creators of SparkNotes, the online alternative to doing real work, weren’t always so studious. TheSpark features an array of hilarious, insightful quizzes that will delve deep into your psyche and tell you – in percentage form – how sexual, loveable, intelligent, slutty or pure you are.

Game of the Week: Fly the Copter

http://www.seethru.co.uk/zine/south_coast/helicopter_game.htm

Fly the Copter is about more than piloting a small, speedy aircraft through a cramped tunnel, it’s about elevating your online experience and soaring to hours of mindless fun. The fate of your copter lies in the click of your mouse, so get a lock on this simple but addictive game before it flies by.

Published on September 15, 2003 at 12:00 pm