My inbox can hold up to four megabytes of e-mail. Right now, it’s four megabytes of porn, credit card solicitations and herbal remedies for penis enlargement.

California has led the legislative battle against SPAM, junk e-mail, imposing up to a $1-million fine on advertisers who send unsolicited e-mail from California or to residents of the state. Thirty-five states have instituted anti-SPAM laws, but it’s an uphill battle against a crafty, adaptive foe.

And when the going gets tough, I’d rather just give up. So instead of working to promote anti-SPAM technology, I’m joining the dark side. Thanks to my vast Internet expertise and my seven weeks of Advertising 206, I’ve learned to create the ultimate junk e-mail.

The perfect spam has to have the perfect subject – something inobtrusive, vague but at the same time intriguing. Friendly come-ons and pick-up lines work like a charm, and it’s even better if you can work in your reader’s first name. If not, that’s OK – just use the first few letters of their e-mail address. Try these foolproof classics:

FWD: RE: Hi, DaCuse4$4, my husband just left me…

RE: FWD: FWD: WhtSox12#6, check out my twin sister on her new webcam!

And remember, clever new anti-SPAM software tries to sniff out junk mail before it hits the inbox, so stay away from caps lock and dead giveaways like ‘HOT XXX NASTY WET GIRLS!’

Once you’ve lured your victim into the body of the e-mail, you’ll have to somehow persuade them to click on the link to your site. The hands-down favorite tactic is the built-in pictures, most of which portray the aforementioned nasty, wet girls handling sex toys in an array of explicit poses. Grab a digital camera, curtain off your side of the split double and snap some photos for your own junk mail masterpiece.

Embarrassment of the Week: RealPHX.com

Check your profile. All your shout-outs and colorful backgrounds could be gone if you’ve accidentally visited this sad excuse for a porn site. A guy named Ryan from Scottsdale, Ariz., runs the site, which he claims receives 200,000 unique hits a day. He’s installed software that automatically sets the site as the browser’s home page and replaces a visitor’s AOL Instant Messenger profile with a link to the site. So when buddies check a stolen profile, they inadvertently infect their own computers with the sneaky ad-ware. The site makes money off a few links to pay-per-click or pay-per-referral porn sites that scatter the otherwise sparse page.

In an even more pathetic twist to Ryan’s entrepreneurial venture, he’s trying to sell his domain on Ebay. The site’s counter reads 911,838, so his main selling point is his huge amount of unsolicited traffic. But he may have set the price a little high – the starting bid is $85,000. Needless to say, the reserve has not yet been met.

To remove the RealPHX.com ad-ware from your computer, visit the website and scroll down to the bottom. Click the link that says ‘Click Here and press Open, to get rid of all RealPhx.com ads.’ Follow those directions and you’re all set. And from now on, get your porn from someone else’s profile.

Game of the Week: Seconds of Madness

www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bwg6/tube.htm

Oh, those crazy Cornell kids. When they’re not being all smart with their engineering and their Ivy League, they’re hooking us up with awesome 3-D games. In ‘Seconds of Madness,’ players use the arrow keys to guide a metallic surfer girl through a tunnel lined with obstacles. My high score is 96, and my friend from Cornell’s is 342. But at least I’m not a computer nerd. Oh, wait … yes, I am.

Published on October 14, 2003 at 12:00 pm