College is about learning. It’s about enlightenment. It’s about education, and it’s about student-centered research. But seriously, who goes to class?

While foolish students slave away in lectures, labs and recitations, my roommate is living the true, American dream: no class, all party. Sure, he’s about to fail out of school, but I think he’s got the right idea.

We’ll never use any of the stuff we learn in school, so it’s time for a change. Drop all your classes, spend your student loan checks on Keystone Light and join my roommate in his glorious, dropout ways.

Sleep all day

The true dropout never sees sunlight – except to throw up in the morning. Make sure to pass out on the couch around 6 a.m. after watching hours of infomercials. To keep things interesting, switch between your couch, bed and futon unexpectedly.

Rock the video games

When you are awake, check out Final Fantasy XI. It’s addicting, time consuming and just pointless enough to keep you glued to the screen through the wee hours of the morning. When your computer finally crashes, bust out the PlayStation 2 and systematically beat every mission in Grand Theft Auto III. By the end, you’ll be a professional carjacker … and still a bum.

Get tanked

Call your friends from high school and have them visit for a closet-door beer pong tournament. Even if your roommates have to be up at 9 a.m. for class, cause as much noise and damage as possible. When in doubt, throw something out the window.

Black out

When you’re too inebriated to stand up, push yourself the extra mile. Grab your handle of Jack Daniels, chug the rest of it and throw it at the TV. Sprint to the bathroom, but before you can make it to a stall, lose consciousness and pass out in the shower. Your floormates will find you hours later, carry you to your room and set you on the couch for a full day’s rest. And remember – you don’t have class in the morning.

Rob Howard is the feature editor at The Daily Orange where his columns appear every now and then. E-mail him at RfHoward@syr.edu.

Published on November 6, 2003 at 12:00 pm