Justin Time for the Holidays

SOMEWHERE OVER THE EAST COAST – Here’s the thing about discount airlines: The planes suck and the food is at best non-existent and at worst awful.

Then again, these cost-cutting measures are the only reason that the airborne Greyhound buses can maintain financial solvency after such bargain-basement pricing. So in an effort to make up for their shortcomings, carriers like TransMeridian Airlines (which at the time of this writing is hurtling me toward Fort Lauderdale for Thanksgiving) have to focus on areas of their trade that don’t rely on money – like customer service.

‘Is everyone happy to be going to Fllllllllllllooorida?!?!’ screeched one of the four-person flight crew as weary and hungover passengers filtered into the cabin.

‘Someone is in a good mood this morning,’ grumbled one member of the herd.

‘Are you not a morning person?’ she replied. ‘Well, I only went to sleep at 1 a.m., but I have been doing steady bumps of candy since I got up at 1:30 [a.m.], not to mention the rock crystal meth I secured tightly between my butt cheeks so it could slowly absorb into my anal cavity.’*

Then the pilot got into the act, using the pre-flight getting to know you/reassurance you won’t die/serenity prayer to chide one of the new stewards.

‘Everyone should welcome Evan back,’ he chortled. ‘He is returning from his internship with Barnum & Bailey circus, where he moonlighted as the human cannonball.’

Oh, how delightfully clever.

You know, at least JetBlue Airways has the common decency to equip all of its flying carriages with DirecTV programming, so I can ignore this kind of banter by quietly fostering a half-boner with my eyes glued on the A&E ‘Biography’ of Princess Diana.

It is only fair to note that several of the elderly and ugly passengers were seemingly tickled pink by this kind of treatment. But really, is that the kind of demographic that you want to cater to? TransMeridian: The official airlines of the physically repulsive and those who so old they’re unable to be productive members of society.

Which brings me back to Princess Di’s pert assets. Wait, I mean airline safety.

What does all this cheery glad-handing do to keep customers safe from the constant threat of buffoonery or – even worse – al-Qaida? Maybe a sleeper cell en route to causing mass destruction and death could be swayed by this brand of mile-high hospitality. Maybe the constant offers of refreshments could convince Courtney Love to make that a VIRGIN vodka tonic. Maybe the friendly chatter and ecstacy-esqe demeanor could shatter the cold walls of hate and drunken aggression, like a wrecking ball of goodwill and friendship.

Naw, Courtney would probably just clock the strung-out one first.

*The author may have fabricated half of that quote. But which half?

Justin Young is a junior newspaper major. E-Mail him at JRYoun02@syr.edu.

Published on December 2, 2003 at 12:00 pm