As politicians, pundits and the elderly listened with bated breath to last night’s State of the Union address, the college students of America found a better way to kill brain cells – booze.

Thanks to a website called DrinkingGame.us, the State of the Union came complete with its own drinking game – an elaborate set of 56 rules to keep the alcohol flowing and dull the pain of the president’s applause-ridden oration.

The extensive regulations dictated the number of drinks – in this case, 1 oz. of cheap, skunked beer – associated with each of the events. A mention of the national deficit scored three drinks (there was only one); the six Laura Bush cameos forced players to down half a beer.

So armed with the list of rules and a highly addictive personality, I charged into the State of the Union ready for a party. The debauchery began before President Bush even stepped up to the podium, when CNN showed two establishing shots of the first lady. Total drinks: two.

The president’s opening remarks caught me in a frenzy of ‘terror,’ ‘armed forces’ and ‘strong unions’ – by the 10-second applause at 9:16 p.m., I was two sips into my second frosty beverage. At 9:23 p.m., just 12 minutes into the speech, our soldiers had found Saddam Hussein in a hole and I’d racked up 32 drinks. Projected blood alcohol concentration: 0.08 percent.

The assault continued, and Bush marked my 50th intoxicating ounce just three minutes later with his patented mispronunciation of the word ‘nuclear.’ What’s worse, I emptied my fifth bottle at 10:34 p.m., when the president used the only six-syllable word in his address – internationalized. The good news is, it’s a real word.

In the 28th minute of heated competition, the Democrats expertly utilized the ‘half-clap,’ in which the right side of the audience applauds wildly while the left sits in silent protest. This pattern continued through a blur of immigrants and economies, finally relenting when I hit 96 drinks – 8 full beers. Time: 9:51 p.m.

Bush deviously segued into a $23 million proposal to beef up drug testing in schools, a proposal I would have adamantly opposed had I not rushed to the bathroom to vomit and suck down four grams of blow.

I made it back in time for a lecture on abstinence, sexually transmitted diseases and the horrors of gay marriage, and I downed another 13 drinks to make up for lost time. Margin of error: +/- 3 percent.

And just when I was ready for a rally, God blessed America and the president jetted off the stage. Thanks to Bush’s brilliant rhetoric and tight oration, the speech finished in less than an hour, which earned me every drinking game’s most exciting reward – another beer.

Total time: 55 minutes. Total drinks: 109. Projected BAC: 0.21 percent. Blacking out at 10:06 p.m.: Awesome.

Rob Howard is a sophomore advertising major. E-mail him at rfhoward@syr.edu.

Published on January 20, 2004 at 12:00 pm