I have 63 blank spaces, a brand new ESPN.com account and 78 minutes to figure out what’s going on. It may be anyone’s guess who’ll win the NCAA Tournament, but it really shouldn’t be mine.

Last year, a girl who had probably never watched a basketball game won my floor’s pool. She’s my inspiration, so this year random guessing and ridiculous reasoning will guide me on the road to San Antonio.

First round: Schools that I attend or are somehow associated with. Syracuse, Boston College, Richmond, Vanderbilt and St. Joseph’s, my friends from high school attend your fine institutions. Vermont: I’m sorry, but my cousins live in Connecticut and you no doubt smoke too much marijuana to succeed in an athletic competition.

The selection committee has assured me that the top eight seeds in each division are better than their opponents. If sports fans say it, I believe it to be true.

The second round calls for detailed, scientific analysis – if by science you mean game of darts and by detailed you mean blindfolded. I suspect that I have hit the bulls-eye with my choice to advance each No. 1 seed. Maryland will fall to Syracuse because everyone I know from that state sips lemonade on hot summer days with no shirt on. Gonzaga wins because it has the coolest name and is not afraid to use the letter Z. Xavier, you dropped the ball on this one.

Halfway through my Sweet 16 selections, I realized that the top two teams had won each match. To soothe the rebellious spirit burning deep within my soul, Illinois and Texas will face off in Atlanta. Stanford: my home team is going to fuck you up, fuck you up. I need to get an extra year out of my ‘Real Women Put Out’ T-shirt, and I’m not buying season tickets unless I see some results.

My animated, online bracket is quickly taking shape, and it’s time to choose my Final Four. This is important, because my friends and associates will judge me based on my selection during our next two weeks of dinner table and beer-pong table conversation. Gonzaga’s win will allow me to employ such insider nicknames as ‘The ‘Zags’ and showcase my mastery of GU trivia: the ZIP code of the Spokane, Wash., campus is 99258. I’m so hot right now.

Two coin flips later, St. Joe’s and Texas make the grade. And though my heart says UConn, my libido says Syracuse. I think I speak for the entire university community when I say, ‘Give me more crotch-in-the-face slam dunks.’

Speaking of which, Texas will be out for vengeance in its match-up against SU. I love the basketball team, but Marshall Street and the Syracuse Police riot control squad can’t handle a repeat. Texas wins, because I love Acropolis too much to watch it burn.

But The ‘Zags vs. St. Joseph’s Hawks? It’s a battle between my love for funny words and my strong, Christian upbringing. Wait a minute, I gave up Bacardi 151 for Lent.

Sorry, God, Gonzaga wins the day. And they’ll win the final game, too. So my bracket’s in, just 3:17 over my midnight deadline. Whoops – I still need a final score. I’m all for 75-72, because if we’re going to support a March full of nonsense, somebody might as well get free tacos.

Rob Howard is a sophomore advertising major. E-mail him at roho@dailyorange.com.

Published on March 17, 2004 at 12:00 pm