About halfway through ‘Resident Evil: Apocalypse,’ Alice (played by Milla Jovovich) breaks her finger and, in what one would assume is searing pain, snaps it back into place.

It is a very minor scene and in no way affects the outcome of the plot, but it is very significant to this review for one reason: That snap is the only time that the audience for this movie winced in pain and audibly reacted to this unnecessary, nonsensical sequel and the winner of this summer’s gold medal for worthless piece of tripe (all-around competition).

Allow me to repeat that.

In a 95-minute movie about a town run amok by zombies (in human, dog and weird alien dog/human hybrid variety) who bite, claw, chew and mercilessly gang maul about two-thirds of the characters introduced, the only moan came when someone corrects a bent finger.

It takes real talent to ruin the concept of zombie violence. It is one of those inherently cool concepts in the same vein as shooting a missile at a dragon and watching Paris Hilton bone on night shot. In capable hands, it simultaneously plays on our fears of death and physical violence in a way that anyone who has been to a funeral or had their ass kicked can understand as earth-shatteringly terrifying, and, by that logic, only those who have had their ass kicked at a funeral can truly grasp.

But in this case, Chilean director Alexander Witt (second unit director of photography for ‘Hollywood Homicide’) crafts his thrills on the back of worthless cutaways and bizarre slow motion strobe to ‘enhance’ the undead tearing away the flesh of the living. Unfortunately, he fails to realize that blood-splattering dismemberment needs no window dressing largely because it is BLOOD SPLATTERING DISMEMBERMENT.

This is not a scary movie. It is not a gross movie. It is violent but by no means gruesome. If any of those are what you are looking for, then you will most likely have a better night out watching ‘Benji: Off the Leash.’ If you are looking for a waste of time on a monumental scale, ‘Resident Evil’ kicks Benji’s ass.

Also, be forewarned that this movie sets up yet another sequel. Should you spend your hard-earned money on it (even if you later hate it) you will be unwittingly placing your vote to Hollywood that you, in fact, would enjoy to see this inane plot haphazardly stumble through yet another chapter. Use your vote wisely-Benji needs this.

Published on September 9, 2004 at 12:00 pm