Allow me to reintroduce myself — my name is Danny Cuneo, and I want you to vote for me for Student Association president.

I know it’s the final day of voting and this is a little last minute, but some of the greatest things in life are decided in the last second, which is why I have nine ShamWows. Plus, politics seem pretty easy to me. You just have to know the right people, avoid sex with interns and you’re golden.

My platform focuses on acrobatics and aquatics. The first goal of my campaign is to bring the power of flight to this campus. I am burning every last one of my parents’ dollars in order for students to own their own Iron Man suits. I think tuition dollars are being wasted on cheap thrills like guest speakers and bathrooms, and we need to start focusing on the future of this school.

Iron Man suits would enhance the capabilities of every single student. Who would be late to class with the power of flight? Would there ever be an off-campus robbery again? Furthermore, the pick-up basketball in Archbold Gymnasium would be insane. Could you even fathom 10 Iron Men sharing the floor at the same time? Someone get my agent (also my mom) — I have a screenplay I need to write.

Additionally I will push for an on-campus aquarium that will be featured in Schine Student Center. On “MTV Cribs,” many of Hollywood’s celebrities have fish all around their house. I am convinced there is a direct correlation between success and the presence of aquatic life — it’s why Aquaman is everyone’s favorite superhero. So I am pushing to turn the bookstore into the world’s largest aquarium. Most of the T-shirts in there probably violate NCAA policy anyway.

Also, I will not be accepting bribes.

I’m sorry, what I meant to say is I will not be accepting cash bribes. If you would like any favors — non-sexual division — I will be accepting donations in the form of Chipotle Mexican Grill gift cards — Danny needs his guac. If you can’t put it in card form, Microsoft Points will also be an acceptable alternative. All favors will be cashed in on the day of my daughter’s wedding. Since I don’t have a daughter, these favors will be cashed in the next time I watch “The Godfather.”

What you’re going to get from me are plenty of false promises. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make my constituents happy. Free candy in Bird Library? Sure. All-day tailgates on the Quad? Why not? Get the chancellor to stop sending emails? That’s going to be tough. The point of being a politician is to make people happy and make laws, and since I haven’t seen “Legally Blonde,” I’m going to settle for the former. If Syracuse University is a fraternity, I am your pledge. Just don’t rough up the face. It’s my beautiful, secret weapon.

I know how these things work. People only really vote when it’s a talent competition or when picking who will be voted off the island. So if you would like to vote for me, text “DANNY” to 1-800-DANNYISCOOL with your name and photo, and if you are attractive, I will text you back with a personal thank-you note.

If you would like to follow my story, I will use the hashtag #DannyGate on Twitter to share my views on important issues. The –Gate suffix is synonymous with American presidential success, and if I want to be the best, I have to act like the best. President Richard Nixon was a shining example of political honesty and values — what could be a better homage to leaders of the past?

I should probably wrap this up. Attention spans are shorter than ever these days, and I need to take my third nap. But here’s my final plea: why not me? We all know the Student Association is just a fake organization in order to let kids wear suits during the day, so why not let me run it?

Thank you all, God speed and in the words of Mays Gilliam — “I’m the government. I can do anything.”

Danny Cuneo is a junior television, radio and film major. His views on politics are not applicable. His column runs every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on April 15, 2015 at 7:00 pm