My fellow Americans, we all know that this weekend is about one thing and one thing only: partying. We’ve celebrated this holiday enough times to actually care about what the big deal is and why this country exists and paying homage to our ancestors who paved the way for blah blah blah. Pass the Budweiser and turn on the baseball, cuz this is ‘Murica time.

Here are some party tips to spice up your weekend that celebrates our founding fathers while still allowing for everyone to have a good time.

Read the Declaration of Independence to Open

Nothing gets the people going like the slow reading of a government document. I don’t mean just the preamble, I want the whole enchilada. It will remind everyone of the tireless effort put into gaining our independence, as well as a friendly reminder of how boring the government is. Once the reading is completed, everyone will be able to sign a copy of a replica Declaration that will be provided at the party with ink or blood. If you’re a real American, you know what you’re signing with.

No Electricity

This one should shake things up: don’t allow electricity at the party. I’m not talking about the expected electricity of love in the air; I’m talking no phones, no lights, just candles and the light of the fireworks that won’t come until it’s too dark. In fact, let’s get authentic here, no indoor-plumbing either. The host should provide a unisex outhouse for use. If anyone wants to send a text message or make a call, it will be sent via the pony express. To be safe, you should probably maintain 10-15 horses at your residence depending on how many guests are expected.

Play Authentic Party Games

None of the boring stuff like beer pong or flip cup, those are for the Red Coats. To spice things up, play games of yesteryear. Rather than shot gunning beers, perhaps you can have a duel with live ammo. The high stakes will surely create excitement among hosts, and who knows maybe someone you don’t like catches one in the shoulder.

Dress For the Occasion

Nothing is more fun than a themed party; it livens things up and allows people to fulfill their secret fantasy of having Halloween all year round. For the Fourth, there’s a dress for everyone. For the men, “Seinfeld” puffy shirts with knickers and spurs. For the women, dresses with corsets that should make it mildly hard to breathe. While it may sound silly now, trust me, when the party gets going, the outfits will be much appreciated. If you truly want to spice it up, no one should shower, shave or brush their teeth before the party to add an extra layer of “authenticity.”

Each Party Requires its Own Paul Revere

Every party needs someone who is responsible for everyone’s safety and well-being. Enter your personal Paul Revere. He is the designated midnight rider of the party who decides whether you came by land (sober) or by sea (drunk). He also is the man who will warn the rest of the party whether the British, er, police, are coming. If anyone needs a ride home and cannot drive, he can take him/her home via his horse—if he is not delivering a text message of course.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. His love for his country is only outweighed by his love for chocolate. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on July 2, 2015 at 5:51 pm