As a journalist, it’s my responsibility to bring you hard-hitting information you crave when you need it. You guys thought this was just a humor column, some fool writing in his underwear eating cereal making Katy Perry jokes. Well, this is what I’ve been working toward all this time.

I’m here to talk about an epidemic that has spread to the Syracuse University community. I’m here to talk about senioritis.

Commonly known as Van Wilder Syndrome, senioritis has run rampant at Syracuse this fall. Students who are entering their fourth year at the former No. 1 party school have completely checked out, and no one knows why.

“It could be a fatigue thing,” said Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Ph.D., of The Muppet Show. “These kids are skipping class for three full years, that much time lying in bed can really take a toll on the body. I’m surprised we aren’t seeing more gap years.”

There are many symptoms that may occur when a senior is going through senioritis. The first is increased presence of sweatpants. Seniors, who used to wear sweatpants to class only once a week, will increase their usage by over 300 percent during their final year.

Second, you will see a general apathy in their feelings toward anything. Prevalent use of the phrases “I don’t care”, “We can do it later” and “What’s the number for Domino’s” will begin to appear without cause. Lastly, you know a senior is in full senioritis when they send you Snapchats exclusively from Chuck’s. These pictures will make you wonder whether or not they live in said bar and/or have seen sunlight in many days.

“There isn’t a cure at the moment, but we’re doing everything we can,” Doogie Howser, M.D., said. “Don’t think this isn’t serious. This is an epidemic. Why are you laughing?”

Senioritis affects 79 percent of seniors at Syracuse, with almost 98 percent complaining of symptoms within their first month of school. Extrapolate that to the entire country, and that leaves about 782 million students with senioritis, and this doesn’t include kids who are in “graduate school.”

Is there a cure? Well, after doing the research and collaborating with my sources, we aren’t sure. What I do have is a list of suggestions that have helped seniors in the past go to class and maintain a daily routine.

Varsity Pizza points system – every day that you go to class, you get one Varsity Star on a worksheet handed out by the dean of your respective school. Every day you show up to class, you build up stars until you reach 10, which earns you a free slice of Varsity Pizza.

Walk into Bird Library – Try to get yourself reacquainted with an old friend. Remember those all-nighters during freshman year philosophy class? Even if you don’t have any work, take a few walks around the building just to remind yourself of its features. Just try and get past that wall of cigarette smoke.

Take a shower – I’m not asking for every day; this is a process. Once every three days, just let the hot water rinse over you and allow yourself to be clean. If you aren’t up to it, try to spray some Febreze on your laundry.

What we hope is that this article will springboard a conversation that allows us to further understand what occurs during senior year. If you have any questions or concerns regarding senioritis, a new office in Schine has opened with a hotline (1-800-GOT-DA-ITIS) regarding your condition.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He has yet to go to Chuck’s, so is he even a senior? He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on September 8, 2015 at 9:29 pm