The Doctor is In

The love doctor, that is. Not like a real doctor, let’s be clear here. I cannot diagnose you, nor will I write you a prescription (unless it’s for Nature Valley Bars because I have like a hundred of those). My advice should keep your relationships standing, at least until you have to fill out your relationship renewal forms in April along with your taxes. I have definitely been in a relationship before.

 

Is it impolite to steal food off your date’s plate while they are in the bathroom?

I think people are too politically correct these days. What happened to the time when you could swear at your mother and she would give you a nickel and a ham sandwich? Human beings were born to survive; it’s our basic instinct that has nothing to do with Sharon Stone. While your date is in the bathroom, steal as much as you can off of her plate. And before you say, “I bet you’re saying this because guys pay for the meal,” I am in favor of egalitarianism. If she paid for the meal, awesome. Now you have food and more money to contribute to your primary goal of survival in this brutal form of Hunger Games we call life.

 

How long should I wait before texting a guy back? Does he even care? Will he think I’m crazy if I text him back right away?

Everyone has a phone and everyone looks at it all the time. Ever since scientists discovered that the natural world is super boring, we’ve stuck to smartphones to keep us entertained and to like other people’s pictures. But if we all have our phones on us, who cares when someone texts back? We all know you saw it, and if you want to talk to him/her, you should do it whenever you like. This feels like the ending to a terrible speech from Disney Channel’s newest musical “Millennial Lies.”

 

Do you think she’ll get mad if I told her we were going to dinner but then go to my mother’s house instead? Times are tough and no one beats Mama’s cooking.

I have to say, I think she would be pretty mad, and I would be too. What is this, amateur hour? You take her to dinner with your parents on date one — everyone knows that. If you are serious about your significant other, take her to Medieval Times. We all know the keys to a girl’s heart are drumsticks and men in heavy armor. Just don’t let her fall in love with the knight you’re rooting for. That’s how Jen lost Brad.

 

What do I do with my hands when I’m kissing my Valentine?

Kissing is boring. The hand stuff is where all the fun happens. My favorite is sign language. Usually, I’ll just quote either Bible scripture or old John Travolta movies, whichever turns her on more.

 

My devotion to work and to my group’s cause has afforded me a lot of professional opportunities. I have a couple of work vehicles, and I get to travel a lot. But I still feel unfulfilled. Usually, I’m doing tasks for my boss, and I don’t have a lot of time for family (don’t get me started on my father …) or friends, making it hard to meet people outside of work. I’m being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I don’t know what I have to do, and I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?

Looking for love in Alderaan places

First off, you must be a huge Star Wars fan because that pun is as priceless as a light saber (which you can order here on Amazon.com!) Relationships with your father are tough, and I understand that, but don’t do anything rash. Your father loves you very much, and I think if you really took the time to see him face to face, it will do you both some good.

Second, take advantage of those travel opportunities. There’s a whole world out there to explore, I think you should take advantage of those vacation days you’ve been saving up and take a trip to see a buddy you haven’t seen in a while. Perhaps Rian Johnson directs it? Either way, I’m sure whatever progress you’ve made is right on track, even though JJ Abrams isn’t there anymore.

 

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He is single and ready to eat Pringles. His column  He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on February 15, 2016 at 8:18 pm