As an academic, I’ve been called upon to research many critical issues in our time. I remember in 2007 when I was asked to study literacy rates in correlation to Timbaland’s “The Way I Are” (there was no decline in literacy rates over the next 24 months, but we should probably address that song at some point). It’s daunting stuff, but as a man of science, I owe it to the rest of the community to report findings that will help better understand this world.

So when I was called up to answer the question, “Is the Earth Round?” I didn’t take it lightly. How can you? I mean, gravity is involved, amiright?

Please don’t stop reading.

So off I went to figure out if this world is more like “Paper Mario” or if it’s more like “Super Mario Galaxy.” Let’s a go!

I first searched, “Is the Earth Round?” on Google and … hold on, what’s this?

“Is the Earth hollow?”

I needed more.

According to the reputable source “Wikipedia,” which has never been dismissed by your professors, many believe the Earth is hollow and contains a vast interior space. Apparently, “the scientific community has dismissed the notion since at least the 18th century,” but the scientific community probably doesn’t think tomatoes are fruits, so why trust them?

My head began to hurt, like a hangover if I’ve ever gotten one. (I obviously never have because it takes so many beers to get me drunk. Like I’m not kidding. So many beers.)

Have we been living on a giant balloon this whole time?

It was time to bring the inner #journalist in me and start digging. While doing the dirty work, I stumbled across the website humansarefree.com, which shared an article entitled “13 Pieces of Evidence Supporting the Hollow Earth Hypothesis.” These were the pure, uncut facts — the type of facts that would make an employee at factcheck.org very aroused.

Like most facts, the article presented them as a series of questions. It was time for Final Jeopardy.

1. Is there a hole in the North Pole?

The article cited a number of pictures of Earth with holes in them. The scientist goes on to support his picture evidence with this unfiltered piece of academia: “Personally, I believe that the image was intentionally blackened by NASA, but what could it possibly hide?”

How can you dispute that?

3. The possibility that the Earth is hollow, and that it can be accessed through the North and South poles, and that secret civilizations flourish within it, has spurred the imagination of people through centuries.

My eyes felt like they were open for the first time. I don’t remember my baptism, but this must be what it feels like to be mentally cleansed of all sin. Just look at this proof:

“In Greek mythology, Orpheus tries to rescue Eurydice from the underground hell. It was said that the Pharaohs of Egypt communicated with the underworld, which could be accessed via secret tunnels hidden beneath the pyramids.”

Of course, humans pass stories down to one another through generations. Why would anything that we say to one another be considered a lie? It’s why I’m still awaiting the meteor from “Armageddon” to hit Earth any day now. All stories are exclusively based on truth.

13. Researchers Found Evidence of a possible ‘Inner Sun’ Heating Up the Planet from Inside.

This was the grand finale, the river card in this Texas Hold ‘Em game where both the big and little blinds are both “The Truth.” Take a look:

“Planet Earth produces a heat flow of unknown origin according to scientists. According to experts, ‘Ghost Particles’ are coming from the Earth’s center. Researchers have found, according to Geoneutrino, around 70 percent of Earth’s heat is generated from radioactivity.”

Folks, it’s right there in front of you. We have ghost particles that are coming from the Earth’s center that experts have confirmed. If you don’t want to listen, I don’t know what to tell you. Geoneutrino is such a big word, so it must be important. In fact, it’s so important that my Microsoft Word underlined it in red.

***
We live on a hollow Earth, and it took me 21 years to realize it. Hopefully this article will educate others so that they can avoid the same mistakes I did.

As for the “Earth is round/flat” dilemma, we’ll leave that up to the fat-cat-Wall-Street types and oil tycoons at Harvard to play the game. For now, I’m going to start digging to Middle Earth.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He thinks the Earth is round, but is only like, 73 percent sure. His column appears weekly in Pulp. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on February 1, 2016 at 9:17 pm