Dear America, God and the Constitution,

This country has changed a lot since I was born. Video games now have tasteful, high definition boobs and transportation has become more efficient than we could possibly imagine.

I am writing this, of course, in reference to The Daily Orange’s story on the ban of hoverboards that reflects a frightening trend. First off, who even reads The Daily Orange? It’s a college newspaper — get your news from professionals who don’t want to get hired every damn day. I bet you they even have a humor columnist who makes sh*tty references and has a dumb tag line that reflects how he sees life, like “working on it.”

With that in mind, I ask: Syracuse University, why did you take away the hoverboards?

Why would a university that has given us such beautiful benefits like off-brand food at Kimmel and blessed us with The Cage be so cruel to innovation? We have reached the next step in the evolution of man. Finally, we no longer need to walk, just as “Wall-E” foretold.

The hoverboard is not just here to stay; it is here to change the way we move forever. Just like #FreeShmurda and #GamerGate, we on wheels have something to say, and you better like it or else we will be very mean to you on social media. For months, we of the hoverboard sub-reddits and social clubs have been challenged for our progressive mode of transportation. The transportation community has had enough of the witch hunt. It is time for America to open its feet-eyes and walk-listen with me.

As a proud owner of an off-brand hoverboard I won for $1,499 on eBay (a steal if you ask me), what they’re doing to this campus is a restriction of free speech and a slap in the face to Rolie Polies everywhere. As an RP, when I glide across campus, I am creating art. I take what used to be walking to class and flip that on its head, expressing myself through 360-degree turns to the left, as well as 360-degree turns to the right.

Have you ever actually experienced one of these things? A quick aside: I just got back from the Amalfi Coast for winter break and wanted to take a stroll to recapture the feeling of the Italian Coast in Suburban Westchester. I put my brand new Beats by Dr. Dre into my ears, put on Bocelli’s greatest hits and just let the wind take my sails. With moving feet, I wouldn’t have been able to fully engage in the experience. I would have been distracted by being concerned for falling or wondering what I might step in. Thankfully I was able to absorb everything in the moment, and only get hit by three cars in the process.

And to the critics who say things like, “Why do people need hoverboards when they can walk with their feet?” Have you ever considered the joint pain that walking causes? Every day, human beings use their legs to walk across different types of terrains, such as rainy sidewalks or post-party puke. Don’t you think we deserve a break to let our legs save energy for the day parties that we need to puke at?

And to the other critics who say, “These aren’t even hoverboards, they don’t hover.” Do you park your car in a parkway? Do you drive your car on a driveway? Checkmate.

Wait and also a third thing, you can’t actually hover in the air on a board, that’s so stupid. People’s imaginations get carried away when they watch movies and TV, and then they lose their sense of reality. Stick to wishing for real stuff like double-sided light sabers (due out in 2019, patent pending).

With Feels on Wheels,

Danny Cuneo

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He doesn’t own a hoverboard, but he does own shoes. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on March 7, 2016 at 8:10 pm