Break out the microwave popcorn and those pajamas pants you’re too insecure to wear in public, because we’re in the dump months! What are the dump months, you ask? I’ll tell you.

The dump months are a select few months throughout the year where critical and commercial expectations for new movie releases are lower than whale sh*t.

To be more specific, we’re entering the second leg of the dump months: February, which is perhaps the worst month of the cinematic calendar. And it’s not just because it’s when “Fifty Shades Freed” premieres.

See, distributors release anything they expect to make a proverbial splash over the holidays, when the work is light and the money is long. But after the holidays, when we take a look at our bank accounts, we conclude this: we have no money. The movie-ticket funds ran dry while we were out buying gifts.

Distributors know this, and in the months of January and February they unload the garbage. So for the moment, it’s time to enjoy new Netflix Originals and whatever filth Hollywood has decided to throw at us.

Ultimately, there are really only two movies to look for in theaters this February: “Black Panther” and “Annihilation.” But first, let’s look at the other flicks that will be playing to empty theaters.

First to bat is “Winchester,” a horror-psychological thriller about a woman who builds a mansion to escape the spirits she believes are haunting her. This is “Mother!” for stupid people.

Also on deck is “The 15:17 to Paris,” which chronicles the heroic true story of three American soldiers who foiled a terrorist plot on a 500-passenger train headed to, you guessed it, Paris. Whoever approved this title could have taken some advice from a catchier title like “3:10 to Yuma” (James Mangold, 2007). But then again “15:17” could theoretically also be “3:17 to Paris,” which is bit too close for comfort as far as movie titles go. Nonetheless, legendary director Clint Eastwood is sure to make the breezy 94-minute feature at least marginally bearable.

Beyond that is “Early Man,” the story of one brave caveman who must save his tribe. From director and claymation-enthusiast Nick Park, this is “Wallace and Gromit” meets “10,000 BC.” Don’t hold your breath during the Oscars for this one.

Now onto the big names. Do you love actors and actresses like Daniel Kaluuya from “Get Out,” Michael B. Jordan from “Creed,” Chadwick Boseman from “42,” and Lupita Nyong’o from “12 Years a Slave”? Of course you do, because they’re fantastic.

Have you been dying for a project that brings these four together on the same screen? I know I have. So it’s a shame that this project is the sure-to-suck “Black Panther.”

These four all seem to be hitting their strides now, and yet “Black Panther,” like all Marvel movies, will only determine how comfortable they are in front of a green screen while tragically pushing their acting chops to the backburner.

The only saving grace for “Black Panther” is its director, Ryan Coogler. Coogler’s last two projects, “Fruitvale Station” and “Creed,” both made an incredible splash. But it looks like he couldn’t turn down that Marvel money.

So please, do these stars a favor and don’t see “Black Panther.” The movie will perform poorly, and its stellar cast can go back to making movies with some substance.

Finally, “Annihilation.” This is the film I’m as excited for as I am furious about. Alex Garland, director of “Ex Machina” and writer of “Sunshine” — if you haven’t seen it, see it — is currently one of the best voices in the sci-fi game. Clearly Paramount does not feel the same, and as such has given “Annihilation” one of the most disrespectful release dates possible.

I implore you to support Garland and his project. It might be a complete flop, but this filmmaker has much more to offer and shouldn’t be overlooked.

Oh, and if none of these films interest you, make sure to check out “Pad Man,” a biopic about the man who revolutionized the manufacture of low-cost sanitary napkins in India. Not kidding, this is a real movie.

If you don’t find yourself in the theaters at all this month, though, that’s OK. There are plenty of opportunities to load up the queue with Netflix’s latest acquisitions.

Look for highly anticipated originals like the “Blade Runner”-esque “Altered Carbon” and the newest installment of “My Next Guest Needs No Introduction,” the George Clooney edition. “Queer Eye: Season 1” revamps the old favorite “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” and “Seeing Allred,” which I gave my take on a couple weeks ago, found its way quickly from the festival to the streaming world.

If you want to go to sleep, watch the Spielberg-directed “Lincoln,” and if you want to waste your time as efficiently as possible, tune into the insufferable “The Emoji Movie.”

But you’ll probably end up like me: failing to see any of these because you’re too busy watching “Goodfellas” on repeat — they’ve got that, too.

Michael O’Connor is a freshman television, radio and film major. His column appears biweekly. He can be reached at moconn03@syr.edu

Published on February 7, 2018 at 12:25 am

moconn03@syr.edu