We’re in the throws of summer, which means one of two things: you either are getting married or you are watching people get married. Summer and weddings go together like peanut butter and that annoying aunt who won’t stop bothering you about getting a girlfriend.

With that in mind, I know that some of you may need to speak at these weddings since you are either a best man, good friend or you just enjoy the thrills of public speaking. But as the rap beefs of our generation prove, even the greatest speakers need ghost writers. So here is my gift to you, my wedding speech for all occasions. I’ve left some spots blank so you can fill it in “Mad Libs” style as well as stage directions to add a little flair to your speech. Read it and (hopefully) weep.

To whom it may concern,

We are here to welcome a new couple into the world. First off I’d like to congratulate Mr. and Mrs. __________ on their holy matrimony. What a ceremony! I haven’t cried that much since I watched “Titanic” while dating a jalapeño pepper (hold for raucous laughter).

But I just want to take the time out and honor these two beautiful people with some beautiful words out of my beautiful mouth (wink at the first girl you see). Just look at this couple! Aren’t they amazing? They’re like a Maxim magazine inside of a Playboy Magazine that I read for the articles. By round of applause, who would engage in a threesome with this couple (hold for applause)? I know I would.

_________, you’ve been my friend for as long as I can remember. We’ve had too many memories to count on both of our fingers and toes, and they have been great. Like, remember that time we were in your dad’s shed when we were 16? When you asked me if you’ve ever had a mole on that certain area? Well I’m here today to let you know you should absolutely get that checked out, it may be a problem.

And the Vegas trip! Oh man, how could I forget? What a time that was: Me, you, Bradley Cooper and our buddy Doug. We got face tattoos, fought with Mike Tyson and you married a stripper! What a crazy bachelor party. Now a lot of people come up to me and say, “Hey, isn’t that the exact same story from the 2009 film ‘The Hangover?’” I just tell them to shut up, because they have no idea what they are talking about.

Onto your better half, ___________. While I don’t know you well, I will do everything on God’s polluted Earth to keep you and your significant other safe. Consider me your personal Batman, a caped crusader who is just a Lamborghini ride away. That’s right ladies, I have a Lamborghini (stare at the girl you winked at before).

While I’m sure that ________ can do that just fine, consider me a safety net. And if anything should happen to _______, just know that I will be here with open arms, ready to start a new life and help you forget about _________. We can run away together, maybe San Francisco or Tuscany, and we can forget about the pain you left behind. It’ll just be you, our six kids and me. You know, if it ever comes to that.

So now I would like everyone to raise a glass and join me in toasting of this amazing couple. By the way, why is it called a toast? There is no bread involved in this process, we are all holding drinks and celebrating. They should call it a “happy drink time” (await your standing ovation).

To Mr. and Mrs. ________ may your love last longer than the “Harry Potter” book series.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He has never been a best man, and it definitely doesn’t hurt him inside. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

 

 

 

Published on August 12, 2015 at 3:26 pm