If you give a senior a cap and gown, he’ll probably start crying.

If that senior starts crying, then he’ll have to buy tissues.

If he has to buy tissues, he’ll go to CVS and also buy a handle of whiskey because he’s “worked too hard.”

If he thinks he’s worked too hard, then he’ll probably want to play too hard.

If he plays too hard, he will go straight to DJ’s happy hour and order “a farm of Red Bull vodka.”

If he orders a farm, he will leave said bar at around 7 p.m. to go to Jimmy John’s.

If he goes to Jimmy John’s, he will order a Beach Club on wheat without cucumber and eat it in about 2 minutes 43 seconds.

If he eats his sandwich in under three minutes, he will have an upset stomach and need to walk it off.

If he needs to walk it off, he will walk towards Walnut Park and pretend he’s in a Nicholas Sparks movie.

If he pretends he’s in a Nicholas Sparks movie, he’ll probably start crying again.

If he starts crying again, he’ll need to go back to his apartment to get more tissues and also play video games.

If he plays video games, he’ll probably lose track of time and miss most of the Cavaliers game, even though he promised himself he would watch more of LeBron James in his prime.

If he misses the Cavaliers game, he’ll go back to playing video games and look at his Kindle frustrated.

If he looks at his Kindle frustrated, he will get mad about how he doesn’t read enough.

If he’s pissed about not reading, he’ll skim an Atlantic article to feel better for a little bit, and then eat some peanut butter.

If he eats some peanut butter, he’s going to eat more peanut butter.

If he eats more peanut butter, he’s going to want to take a nap.

If he takes a nap, he’s going to be out for, I don’t know, about 45 minutes?

If the nap goes longer than expected, he will be groggy and feel like a “Real Housewife,” or at least what he thinks a Real Housewife feels like, so he’ll eat more peanut butter.

If he eats more peanut butter, he’ll be ready to go back out.

If he goes back out, he’ll go to Chuck’s and wait in a line longer than most Academy Award-nominated short films.

If he waits in line, he’ll probably have small talk with people he hasn’t seen in a while, and it will be fine.

If he finally gets into Chuck’s, he’ll probably be annoyed because it’s the 756th time he’s heard “22” by Taylor Swift.

On the other hand, “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I’M FEELIN’ TWENTY-TWOOOOOO. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT IF, YOU KEEP ME NEXT TO YOOOOUUUUU.”

If he sings Taylor Swift, he’ll probably get thirsty and order water.

If he orders water, he meant alcohol.

If he meant alcohol, he’ll sing “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne even louder than “22.”

If he sings really loud, his voice will get tired and he’ll go back to Jimmy John’s.

If he’s smart, he’ll think better of it and go home.

If he goes home, he’ll eat more peanut butter, and probably cry.

Danny Cuneo is senior television, radio and film major. He has a secret treasure chest filled with prime rib that is hidden somewhere on this campus. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on May 9, 2016 at 2:58 pm