The baseball career of Kevin Costner is a veteran one. This is meant to be taken literally, as there are no actual records of him every being anything other then a belligerent, cantankerous vet.

No rookie year, no sophomore slump, no problem.

Born the son of minor league ballplayer in ‘Field of Dreams,’ Costner forwent the entry draft so he could freak out in a field and be a general weirdo to his wife and children. In fact, it was only after a massive group hallucination that brought thousands of unsuspecting gawkers to a renovated back yard that Costner finally decided to go pro.

His first assignment was to Carolina’s own Durham Bulls where the then-salty catcher tried to settle down Tim Robbins’ alter ego ‘Nuke’ LaLoosh. Although it is somewhat strange that Costner was so bristlely about being reassigned to a minor league ball club when he has no celluloid record of prior professional experience.

Costner don’t like payin’ dues.

And just when you thought things couldn’t get any more veteran, Kevin’s career gets a whole lot veteran-er. After a trade to the Detroit Tigers alongside John C. Reilly and a character actor to be named later, Costner finally got a call to the majors and a position change in Sam Raimi’s ‘For Love of the Game.’ He was now Kevin ‘Big K’ Costner, king of the hill and the flame-thrower of the motor city. Without any kind of visual proof, we are led to believe that KC had a fruitful 20-year career with the Tigers under the nom de plume Billy Chapel.

‘Billy,’ of course, retires after throwing a perfect game on his last start and winning back the heart of Kelly Preston.

Which brings up to our most recent peak into the life of Kevin the professional athlete in ‘The Upside of Anger.’ Costner now is a radio talk show host and long-retired Tigers hurler who hates his baseball past beyond the financial windfall he reaps from signing posters and balls so he can subsidize his beer and pot. That and he tries to bone Joan Allen, big time. Then again, who can expect to stay with Kelly Preston for any length of time? You know Scientologists: blah blah blah blah blah.

Costner don’t like pseudo religions.

Published on March 31, 2005 at 12:00 pm